Being a parent of teenagers and young adults can sometimes feel as if I am in a constant power struggle. There are times when I will ask a question or make a comment and the response is completely inaudible or it feels as if I have just disrupted the universe because I dared to ask a question or say something "motherly". The other day my 17 year old (18 today) said something I didn't understand or actually hear. Well, I asked him to repeat it. He did. I still didn't hear what he said. I asked him again and I still didn't understand a word he was saying. We were standing at arm's length apart, so I should have been able to hear every word he said. I asked a third time and his response was, "You know mom, if I have to repeat something for the third time it's no fun. I'm not saying it again."
Really? (Insert my puzzled face, head cocked to the side, hand on hip here)
(I straightened my body language) I explained to him that if the person he is speaking to can't understand what he is saying, then it doesn't matter whether it is fun for him or not, he's going to have to repeat himself so that he is understood. I had no idea what he was mumbling and with each response he was mumbling even lower than the previous time and I was becoming frustrated. He left the room mad and then remembered we were going out together, so he came back. Unfortunately, I still needed his answer, so I asked him again to repeat his statement. He repeated it loudly and it was such a simple statement that I couldn't believe how much time was wasted on it. I calmly responded to his statement and then thanked him for speaking up. I thanked him for doing something that should have been natural to him when communicating--speaking clearly, because I felt we needed to have a respectful and pleasant afternoon together. Although I used a challenging strategy by being assertive and having him answer my question, I decided to respond to his statement by being cooperative with a supportive answer to help nurture our relationship and offer a solution that would benefit us both (O'Hair & Wiemann, 2012).
A second strategy that would have helped would have been to use the 3R's by acknowledging that I expected my son to respond to me in a certain way because of how I was raised and the expectations my parents had of their children. Practicing respectful, reciprocal, and responsive interactions with my son will help us to build a solid, trusting relationship that will last a lifetime and hopefully, with his children as well (Corso, 2007).
I would love to hear any advice or words of wisdom from my colleagues in relation to how they have learned to effectively resolve conflict (especially with teenagers and young adults ☺).
References
Corso, R. M. (2007). Practices for enhancing children's social-emotional development and preventing challenging behavior. Gifted Child Today,30(3), 51-56.
O'Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2012). Real communication. New York: Bedford/St. Martin's.
It is hard raising teenagers and very frustrating when you are trying to figure out what they said or what they are trying to say. I feel you handle the issue great; I would have done the same thing and enjoyed how you turned it into a teaching opportunity for your son. Every chance I get I try to turn everything my children did wrong into a teaching opportunity without yelling of course.
ReplyDeleteMimi,
ReplyDeleteI thought you did a good job communicating with your son. There are times when my daughter speaks so softly that it is hard to hear what she is saying. She will start out speaking at a level where I can hear and understand everything, then add something else softly and get annoyed that I didn't hear or respond. I had to explain that I cannot hear her comments or requests if she speaks too softly. It's not that I am trying to ignore her by not responding, I just didn't hear. I asked her to please speak up when she is talking because I am very interested in what she has to say, and want to be able to respond if necessary. She is doing better, but still has to be reminded from time to time...and she's almost 23!
Oops..correction in grammar...
ReplyDelete..then adds something else and gets annoyed because I didn't hear or respond.
Goodness Michelle! I encounter those same 'inaudible' moments with my son...at arms length!! My suggestion is to allow our schemas to help figure out how to resolve conflict as indicated by O'Hair & Weimann (2012). In order to avoid conflict by asking my son to repeat himself with four-letter words sprinkled about, I began "IGNORING" him when I heard mumbled & jumbled words. He would ask why I didn't respond and I stated that I didn't know what to respond to because I was unable to comprehend what he said. A few of those moments have worked for me, especially those when I just stared at him with a blank face.
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job communicating with your son. Teenagers can be a difficult group to deal with. I think you did a good job maintain a calm disposition and monitoring your body language. The three R'3 is very relevant in this situation. Past experiences pay such a huge role int he development of our future abilities to deal with conflict.
ReplyDeleteFirst things first Mimi, you are not alone! Every mom has gone through this. The thing is, I wonder if there are different communication strategies for dealing with teenagers. Maybe you should write a book about that.
ReplyDeleteI think you did an AWESOME job in communicating with you son. I know one thing, my mom might have slapped me (lol, I grew up in the spear the rod, you spoil the child thought). Communicating calmly with your son and using RESPECT is very important. That is my advise to you, continue to not make communication hostile. Communication should enhance and elevate all parties involved.
Great Parenting Skills Mimi!