Unfortunately, we all probably witness more microaggressions than we realize. Everyone seems to have "good intentions" at someone else's expense.
What I have noticed about the Early Childhood field, is that teachers are very open about their sexual orientation. How their colleagues respond to their sexual orientation is another story. Many people suppress their disagreement with, aversion to, or repulsion of homosexuality. Some do it out of respect, some fear, some because they don't know how to handle such a sensitive topic.
Earlier this week I was talking with two teachers in my office about my son. My son is a personal trainer and body builder and he is quite fit, to put it mildly.
The young ladies were looking at pictures of my son's physique and called a third teacher into the office. The first two young ladies became quite excited and started motioning for the third teacher to hurry and come see.
As the third teacher approached my desk, one of the other ladies commented, "Oh, we've got something for you to see. Look at this eight pack," she yells, pointing at my computer screen. The third teacher looks at the picture and smiles. She looked at me in disbelief. "That's really your son or is that a picture of a model? He's got abs in places I've never seen abs!" One of the other teachers started clapping her hands and high-fives the other teacher. "I knew that would do it. There is no way you can look at a body that hot and not get turned on! We're going to turn you yet!" The other teacher joined in and informed me, "Yea, we've been trying to find guys to hook her up with. We're going to make her forget all about that girlfriend and come back to our side. You can be changed, girl, just watch us." Pointing at the screen, she tells the third teacher, "Look at him. That's what you've been missing."
The third teacher laughed the comments off and remarked, "Well, good luck with that and you don't even know any guys that look like that, not even for yourself." It was a half laugh and half grunt. I am aware that she loves her girlfriend very much and I knew she was bothered by the comments, but apparently she was used to this teasing by her friends. But, was it teasing? To me, it sounded like they were invalidating who she was and her reality was that she was very committed to her girlfriend.
Later that day I called the two teachers back to my office. I asked them whether they frequently teased her like that. They laughed and mentioned it was all in fun, they were just "messing with her". I explained to them that they can't make jokes or comments in the workplace about "changing" a person. I asked them how did they think their comments had really affected her? They admitted they had not considered her feelings. They thought it was funny and it wasn't meant to be personal. How is a person's sexual orientation and sex life not personal? I knew they felt I took it too far and was getting too involved in their "friendly" way of interacting with each other. Perhaps I was, but I saw a look on the other girl's face that also told me that perhaps that so called kidding was one sided and unwelcome.
As a witness to such an exchange, I was taken off guard. I knew they were friends and really liked each other. However, even joking about "changing" someone is a clear indication that deep down, they saw her lifestyle as wrong and in need of fixing or reversing.
I saw it as a teachable moment and I wanted to prevent any further "kidding" like this between friends. I wanted them to honor their relationship by respecting their friend's lifestyle and values. We will not agree with our friends about everything, but we all have the right to make our own decisions about how we live and who we are and that right should be respected.
This experience underscored for me how so-called "innocent" or well-meaning comments can make a person feel as if they are not "normal" because they are different. I don't want any of my staff feeling out of place because of their identities.
I perceive prejudice, discrimination, and/or stereotypes as exclusive and pointless and the outcome is hurt, exclusion, and even feeling traumatized. This experience illustrated for me how you don't just "bounce back" from being discriminated against. You try to figure out how to move on and somehow live with the hurt without allowing the hurt to take over your existence. Discrimination is an indignity. It affects how you feel about yourself. Discrimination results in feelings of shame, hurt, disgust, embarrassment, and even anger.
I watched two little girls coloring with a box of 64 crayons. I love the names of colors nowadays, macaroni and cheese? Wow. As they were coloring, they would say, "Pass me another color" or "give me some more colors". There were 64 colors to choose from. Not once did I hear, "Pass me the different color".
Why can't we think like that? Are we different or just another of many choices?
Hi Michelle,
ReplyDeleteYou gave a great example of a microaggression in your workplace. I really applaud you for pulling your staff aside to discuss what had happened. I have thought about sharing the multimedia this week with my staff members at our next staff meeting. In your story though, you also used one yourself implying that early childhood teachers are open about their sexual orientation.
Sometimes we do this without even realizing it because of our own experiences. I do have to say that I have never experienced early childhood teachers being open more so than others about their sexual orientation.
I really liked your analogy at the end about the crayons. It is a great concept to think about as we reflect on our own classrooms/programs/personal lives.
Victoria Leming
Hi Victoria,
DeleteThanks for the response.
Perhaps I worded it wrongly, but what I meant was that it has been my experience that no matter where I have worked or where I have traveled, I have known who was LGBT before I knew who was straight because the teachers made sure everyone was aware of who they were. I have had many careers and this is the first one where I have found so many people willing to share their sexual orientation.
We usually have to introduce ourselves for conferences or I when I facilitate I will have everyone stand up and tell something about themselves. That is usually the first superlative mentioned.
Bronson,
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your post, I wanted to meet your son! LOL! Well, it was interesting to me that now that we know what microagression is, that we are able to so easy identify when we are witnesses to or victims of it.
It is also interesting to me that you mentioned that heterosexuals are at times fearful of stating how they feel or perceive homosexuality. The thing is, if my opinion really matter to an openly homosexual person then I would share that in the most loving and kind way (if I were a true friend).
We have ostracized ourselves on the point of sexual orientation, if heterosexuals openly disagree with homosexuality they are at times looked down on, and vise versa. There is no middle ground that says, I may not agree with your lifestyle but I respect you as a person.
We do it all the time for other things, for example if a mother has a son who is an alcoholic or drug addict, she may not agree with the lifestyle, but she never stops loving her child! We need that middle ground!
Great job this week, keep it up!
I really liked how you used that as a teachable moment. Even as adults we can always learn about ourselves especially when our own behavior is effecting someone else's feelings. To each his/her own, we must respect eachother and perhaps all of this microagressions will begin to stop.
ReplyDelete