Being a parent of teenagers and young adults can sometimes feel as if I am in a constant power struggle. There are times when I will ask a question or make a comment and the response is completely inaudible or it feels as if I have just disrupted the universe because I dared to ask a question or say something "motherly". The other day my 17 year old (18 today) said something I didn't understand or actually hear. Well, I asked him to repeat it. He did. I still didn't hear what he said. I asked him again and I still didn't understand a word he was saying. We were standing at arm's length apart, so I should have been able to hear every word he said. I asked a third time and his response was, "You know mom, if I have to repeat something for the third time it's no fun. I'm not saying it again."
Really? (Insert my puzzled face, head cocked to the side, hand on hip here)
(I straightened my body language) I explained to him that if the person he is speaking to can't understand what he is saying, then it doesn't matter whether it is fun for him or not, he's going to have to repeat himself so that he is understood. I had no idea what he was mumbling and with each response he was mumbling even lower than the previous time and I was becoming frustrated. He left the room mad and then remembered we were going out together, so he came back. Unfortunately, I still needed his answer, so I asked him again to repeat his statement. He repeated it loudly and it was such a simple statement that I couldn't believe how much time was wasted on it. I calmly responded to his statement and then thanked him for speaking up. I thanked him for doing something that should have been natural to him when communicating--speaking clearly, because I felt we needed to have a respectful and pleasant afternoon together. Although I used a challenging strategy by being assertive and having him answer my question, I decided to respond to his statement by being cooperative with a supportive answer to help nurture our relationship and offer a solution that would benefit us both (O'Hair & Wiemann, 2012).
A second strategy that would have helped would have been to use the 3R's by acknowledging that I expected my son to respond to me in a certain way because of how I was raised and the expectations my parents had of their children. Practicing respectful, reciprocal, and responsive interactions with my son will help us to build a solid, trusting relationship that will last a lifetime and hopefully, with his children as well (Corso, 2007).
I would love to hear any advice or words of wisdom from my colleagues in relation to how they have learned to effectively resolve conflict (especially with teenagers and young adults ☺).
References
Corso, R. M. (2007). Practices for enhancing children's social-emotional development and preventing challenging behavior. Gifted Child Today,30(3), 51-56.
O'Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2012). Real communication. New York: Bedford/St. Martin's.